By Virginia Jasmin Pasalo

 

LIFE for women, both single and married, carry both joy and suffering. But sometimes, the suffering overwhelms and we feel the world to be unkind:

 “You should be totally happy you are single. Having a husband and children isn’t really the best deal there is in life. I can honestly understand now why some women prefer women as husbands because most men totally suck.” 

“Are you having a bad day? 

“I think I have a bad life. I want to smash things, right now. I am irritated with everything. I am irritated with myself, my husband, my children, my staff. Smallest things really irritate me.” 

“Baka naglilihi ka?” (Maybe you are pregnant?) 

“No. And I would not be happy raising another child in this country. I think life is useless. After all our sufferings in this world, then what? Some lives are not worth living at all. I have two brothers. One of them, despite my mother’s hopes, never amounted to anything until his death and left us four of his children to care for. Before Mom passed away, they were sustained by her meager pension. Now that she is dead, that burden was passed on to us. My other brother, who drives a car, makes us pay for all his expenses including medicines, food, and education of his kids. He flatly told us, if you don’t help educate them, they will join the rebels. We are working for them, for what?  

I feel sorry I married and had children. It is as if by birthing them, I sentenced them to a life that is not worth it. I pity my children, so that even if I am ready to die, I will hesitate to die, because I have to live, because of the guilt.  

Sometimes, I feel like having a husband is an excess. I think this is also the reason why there should be a second wife, to absorb the excesses. Sometimes being married can be a burden. My family expects me to aspire for the highest position in my career, but they expect me to close the lid of the coffee jar at the same time. Bullshit.  

Marriage is a coffin. The other day I woke up early and all the faucets were open and water was dripping all over. This morning, the toothbrush holder is also open. The eggs were on top of one another when they know that there are cats. Since I wake up early, I clean up all the mess. I get no help from anyone in the house. I have a zoom meeting with a very poor internet connection, the screen was dead. I am a living dead. That triggered my tears, and until now I am crying. I want my freedom.”

I understand, sister. Being single has many possibilities, but it has also many responsibilities. Being single is not a bed of roses, it is also a bed of thorns. Most single women are free most times, but Filipino family values bind us to a life similar to what you expressed, taking care of siblings and their kin who cannot take care of themselves. Yes, it is two-edged: a blessing and a curse.

The challenges for women are enormous, since our society has yet to grow in its appreciation of the feminine energy. Just look at how the highest official of the land menacingly treat us. If we have to survive, we must take the suffering to create a space: to draw a sword, or to draw from our inner core and the universe, the vibrant rhythms of change.

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