By Farah G. Decano

 

I am not done yet exploring the disquisitions on true love by modern philosopher Alain de Botton and juxtaposing them with other famous persons’ pronouncements.  Because we are already on the 6^th month of 2023 – the month of weddings and commitment celebrations – it seems to be a good time for us to delve into the matters of the heart.

In addition to what was discussed in the previous issue, the British thinker suggested that we need not wait for opportunities to express grand gestures in conveying affection.  In reality, these chances may or may never come.  And that what is certain in long-term relationships is boredom.

In order to prove that what they have for their other halves is true, should couples in enduring relationships be condemned to a life of ennui?  What must they do then to cope with this bound-to-happen misery?

“Should we outsource passion?”  a French interviewer asked De Botton.    With amusement, the philosopher affirmed that having an affair would be a wonderful idea.  That one can have the stability of a relationship and the excitement of polyamory.  He warned, however, that “we are a madly jealous people” and hence, affairs can be chaotic.   De Botton maintained that the individual, ultimately, must choose either of the two:  the stability of monogamy which may result to tediousness, or the excitement of an affair which may be followed by pain and confusion.

I remember St. Josemaria Escriva who preached that caring is not just passion and feelings.  He strongly advocated that love is the commitment to see things through despite the daily struggle against monotony.   Hence, it is possible to go against the lethargy of consistency and predictability among couples who choose to honor their commitments.

Robert Greene, the author of the book on “Seduction,” pointed out that the “The worst feeling in the romantic part of seduction is that the other person is not putting any effort. They are just being who they are. You go to their house and you have a date and they are just wearing their usual clothes and they order pizza. There is no effort.  There is no enchantment. There is no theater. People are dying to be taken out of their lives, out of the banal day-to-day work and be taken on a ride. They want some drama in their lives. They want pleasure.

Based on Greene’s suggestions, we cannot always use authenticity as an excuse for being laid-back with our romantic connections. The “Seduction” writer emphasized on the imagination and creativity of couples in order to reverse the foregone conclusion of boredom in long-term relationships.

Esther Perel, a very much sought-after couples therapist based in New York, added more to Greene’s requirements. She said couples must be able to develop erotic intelligence.  According to Perel, erotic intelligence is that ability of couples to balance the familiar and the unknown; intimacy and distance; stability and novelty; and convenience and adventure.   She also said that couples must be able to create an erotic context wherein couples must build physical and emotional environment that encourages desire and eroticism.   This may mean having a candle-lit dinner by the beach, going night swimming by a lake, or doing bungee together, among others.

I am not saying though that all those in long-term relationships have, or should have, good seduction techniques, excellent imagination and erotic intelligence.  Some are in enduring relationships because they have other considerations.  Some stay for the children, for economic security and, as for high-class materialistic mistresses or boy-toys, for the luxuries!

There.  I think I have summarized the pronouncements of leading modern thinkers on love and romance.  To those who are already in committed relationships, may you know how to be truly happy with your beloved.

Again, because it is June, I wish to use some words that are closely associated with the members of the LGBT plus.   Let your love win.

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