By Farah G. Decano

           

I encountered an interesting proposition on true love by modern British philosopher, Alain de Botton. He said the romanticism perpetrated by centuries-old literature and most present-day love stories is destroying the fabric of love itself.  I thought of expounding on his hypothesis by juxtaposing it with other famous people’s works.

De Botton finds the narrative of Romeo and Juliet to be ridiculous because these characters were minors who committed double suicide.  For decades, the novel was considered as romantic and the model of true love, but the British philosopher disagreed and called it insane. “This is not love. It is pathology,” he exclaimed.

This modern thinker further added that our over-reliance on the concept of love as that which is accompanied with thunderbolts and lightning shall forever bring about disappointments.  Existing lovers could hardly approximate the truncated accounts of romance in literature.  Couples now tend to go their separate ways to find “the one” after the initial passion disappears. They perhaps conclude that their exes were “the wrong ones”

Many people are of the strong belief that when they have found “the one,” there is no need for words.  To them, they think “the one” is supposed to automatically know and understand the feelings and thoughts of the other.  Squirming, De Botton strongly objects to this notion of “the one” as a mind reader.  He proffers that the tool for a lover to get to know the other is through conversations.

I am reminded of a famous poem, “If I Have To Say It” which was misattributed to Frida Kahlo. The last few lines read, “I won’t ask you to do anything, not even be my side forever.  Because if I have to ask you, I don’t want it anymore.”  De Botton’s stand demolishes the principles that this poem stood for.

The theory on conversations by De Botton finds support from world famous psychotherapist Esther Perel.  The latter articulated that, “The quality of our conversations determines the quality of our intimacy.”   She went on to lecture that conversations of lovers that delve deeper than day-to-day activities and explore each other’s emotions, thoughts and values, improve the connection and the relationship.

De Botton then suggests that love is a skill.  He meant that love is something that can be learned and developed with practice and intention.   It is the hard work and effort we put in understanding ourselves and our special someone, in caring for the other and in committing to struggle during the difficult times.

While the philosopher refers to love as a capacity, the psychotherapist, Perel, puts it a little differently.  She said, “love is not a noun.  It’s a verb.  It is not just something you get.  It is something you do.  It is the way you love your partner every day.”

And how does one show his or her affection for a partner every day?  De Botton answers, “There is such a thing as the small way.  The way we wash the dishes, the way we make love, the way we say goodnight, it all counts, it’s a series of little gestures that make a difference.”

So I thought of Filipino National Artist, Rio Alma.  His “Poem No. 45” is an expression of love in the details.  Here is a portion:

“At mahal ko ang sorbetes pandan dahil mahal mo:
Ang sapin-sapin,
Ang inipit na halimuyak ng ilang-ilang,
Ang kundiman at jazz,
Ang aklat ng tula,
Ang paborito mong restoran,
Si Chaplin.
Ang damuhang ito dahil inupuan mo.
Ang bangketang iyon
Dahil nilakaran mo rin araw-araw.
Ang takipsilim
Dahil matagal mong pinanood
At hinangaan.
Ang bantayog
Dahil niligid mong nakatingala.”

I read the comments to the poem.  One reaction stated that the poem was so banal that he could not believe that it was written by a national artist.  If De Botton will someday read that response, he would probably snap and say, “indeed, it is in the boring things that true love exists.”

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