By Farah G. Decano

 

IT is still February, albeit post Valentine, and I was inspired by my former law professor, Supreme Court Associate Justice Marvic Leonen, now touted as the love guru in the twitter world, to come up with snippets of post breakup advice culled from the many stories I gathered over the years.

At the risk of being called the breakup guru, I am writing here my thoughts for people considered as TOLB – the one left behind.

There are different reasons why people leave relationships.  When a lover wishes to end the romance, the other cannot argue that he or she stays.  A relationship is a meeting of the minds just like in a contract.  However, unlike a contract, a relationship is also a meeting of the hearts that decide to be in and remain in a relationship.  And, as we know, the heart is everything that the mind is not.

When your partner exits the affair, remember not to plead or bargain. Worse, you cannot engage in emotional blackmail or be a cantankerous hag or thug. Once you have engaged in any of these, you have not only reduced your self-worth, you also have contributed to your former partner’s diminished estimation of you.

Remember that almost everyone who leaves a relationship is not happy to cause pain to a former loved one.  The person leaving, out of guilt, may utter words to soften the impact of their departure.  You cannot be carried away by any unintended flattery delivered by someone who asked for their freedom.  Protect yourself from misinterpreting the gentleness of their goodbyes as a possibility for reconciliation.

You may have all the traits of an ideal partner but this does not mean that you should start comparing yourself to the new flame.  Worse, you cannot start to believe that the new inamorata/inamorato brainwashed your ex into leaving you.  Accepting reality for what it is will hasten your moving on.

Be classy.  Hwag maging ampalaya.  No one wants to be with an ampalaya.  Bashing the current partner of your ex will not help either.  This will only hint of your being bitter and your immaturity.

One of the worst things that you can do is to sabotage your ex’s new relationship.  Show your real worth by holding your own.  Learn to be happy for others.  Being happy yourself too. This is your best revenge.

If you are not coping well long after the breakup, set yourself a target date for moving on.  You cannot blame your unhappiness on your former beloved years after the fact.  Be whole again.  Ultimately, no one is responsible for your own happiness except yourself.

Each one copes differently but it will not look good on you to talk about your break-up forever.  It is normal to vent out hurt after the demise of an affair, but do keep in mind that at some point you have to stop talking about it.  Just remember that you cannot be defined by your heartsickness.

If, despite all your efforts, you feel stuck and cannot seem to move forward, then seek professional help.

All stated differently, when your lover asks to end your relationship, let him/her go and then burn the memories of your failed romance at the altar of true love.   Perhaps, Aphrodite will notice.  And who knows?  The smoke may lead you to the real McCoy.

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