By Farah G. Decano

 

THE love month is still here so I thought of a very intriguing but age-old issue in relationships – infidelity.   It is very damaging not only to the couple’s relationship but also to the psyche of the cheater and most of all, the cheated. Because of its lasting injurious effects, it must at all times be avoided.

I have no wish to pontificate and appear more popish than the pope.  But there are some points in our lives when we succumb to our weaknesses.  Hence, we must always be aware of our predilections.  If the stages to infidelity is like that of a kidney disease, it is best to detect the same at its early stages.

Left with a shattered reputation, the cheaters’ lack of integrity and propensity to be unfaithful will always haunt them for the rest of their lives, either in his old relationship or in his future ones.  Puritan friends may condemn them and even disown them.  The cheated, whose self-esteem may hit rock bottom during this episode, may forever question themselves about their adequacy and may never recover from the trauma.

According to Esther Perel, a world-renowned psychotherapist, unfaithfulness does not only happen to bored or damaged couples.  It also happens in happy relationships.  She said that cheaters cheat because they have the need to reconnect to a different version of themselves and/or to escape from the persons they have become.  In other words, people become unfaithful because they have unmet needs either as a person or as the other half in a relationship.

There are actually ten (10) emotional needs identified in a relationship.  We must know which of these should be exclusively fulfilled by partners.  One must not seek, for example, the need for affection and physical intimacy from others.  Neither should one allow himself/herself to be uncomfortably close to another person, thus risking themselves to developing some romantic feelings.  Before such happens, they must be ready to nip the connection at the bud.

Following the usual pattern, we identify six (6) stages in the build-up of a romantic connection: 1) Constant, consistent and prolonged exclusive presence with only one person in attendance; 2) Lowering of boundaries such as the inclusion of personal topics in conversations; 3) Anticipation; 4) Escalation of interest; 5) Tension; and 6) Pursuit.  If we are in committed relationships, we must be wary of these stages.  Before we find ourselves surprised in stage 2 with another individual other than our partners, we must ask ourselves if we are already unduly exposing ourselves to one person too much.

For example, are we chatting with someone regularly?  What are the topics in the conversation?  Has it become personal?  This is a dangerous activity for people in relationships because private messaging may cause tunnel vision and may magnify the other as bigger than life.

How do we know if we are already inclined to a possible infidelity?  It is when we are keeping our communications with the other clandestine from our partners.   Ms. Perel claims that cheating is organized under a structure of secrecy.  If we already tend to keep from our partners a certain meeting, a text message, or an email, then it is time we evaluate why we are doing so.  It is time we bring to our partners’ attention to these messaging to neutralize what could be.

We must also be sensitive that our actions do not amount to micro infidelities.  They are seemingly innocuous but are actually emotionally-laden actions or gestures in favor of another person.  Do we entertain thoughts of possibilities with another person?  Do we check the Facebook walls of our former partners?  Do we talk about one person all the time to friends?

Let us remember that in a committed relationship, both persons expect 100 percent of each other’s heart and there should be no room for sharing.

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