G Spot
The elderly boy-driver
By Virginia Jasmin Pasalo
ON the 30th of November 2014, early morning at 6:00 a.m., I boarded a Five Star bus to Urdaneta. I was the only passenger, and traveled with several sacks of vegetables which the driver picked in front of Balintawak. I commented that Balintawak is the agricultural hub in the north but the driver insisted that it comes from Novaliches. As we entered the toll gate, I noticed that his haircut is a tomahawk, a popular cut among young boys, but not as popular to the elderly, which he is.
The driver is a courteous man (to me), but he was intolerant to the conductor who did not know how to manipulate the controls of the TV screen. He told the conductor, “Animal, anggad natan agmo ni antay gagawaen mo, masiken ka la tan ikasanlasus mo lan gagawaen itan!” And then he added, “Di bale nang sabihin sa atin na kaskasero ang driver kaysa tanga ang conductor, animal!!” (Translation: “Asshole, until now, and you are old already, you still do not know how to manipulate the screen that you have done 100 times before! They can think of the driver as resckless, but not to have a brainless conductor, asshole!”)
He was driving like a young man, swaying from end to end, like a child playing inside a play station, and my body swayed from end to end, so I told him, “It’s okay to sway, just make sure i do not get thrown out of my seat!” He slowed down a little, remained swaying and continued to speak to the conductor, “Antam, amay SSS ko aga nasusumpal, sikaton limmaak ed opisina, alikas kon amay biin walad counter et akulaw ya anggapoy asawa to, wala met ni akseng to, sikaton binolabolak la, asumpal su papeles ko, animal!“, he said chuckling. (Translation: You know, my SSS papers, the processing took so long, so I went to the office, I noticed that the lady in charge is an old maid, still attractive, so I filirted and made myself charming, and it was done, my ass!”)
As we reached Urdaneta he told me, “Madam okay labat ed sikayon undalan tayod shortcut, ta no undalan tayod baley, akasirit lan limanlasus su Dios ya walad tawen, ag ti ni akasabi. Walay fiesta ditan natan,” (Translation: Madam, is it okay with you if we take the shortcut, because if we take the normal route, God has already urinated 500 times and we will still be here. There is a fiesta going on.”)
So he was forced to take the Palina route, a barangay road where two buses can meet each other with only a hairline in between. He was courteous and gave way to most tricycles and when he noticed that a big truck was having a difficult time, he allowed a five meter space between our bus and the car in front to make room for the truck to maneuver. Then several tricycles filled in the space, making it more difficult for the truck to move. He totally got mad and shouted, “Hoy mga animal, pagbigyan ninyo yung truck, di tayo makakaalis dito!” (Translation: “Hey you assholes! Give way to the truck or we will all be stranded here!”)
Then he turned to the conductor who was watching TV and said, “Animal met, akin akatumeeng ka ditan? Umpaway ka ta nengneng mon aggapoy unsingit lamet!” The conductor ran outside to do what he was told. (Translation: “Asshole, why are you not moving? Go outside and make sure no one gets in between those remaining spaces again!”
We survived the snag and finally he told me, “Madam, ditan ta kila ilepas ta walay sirong tan pulis. Okay ki la ditan. alagar yo la ditan may pa-unlad Dagupan. Happy trip, Madam!” and he smiled. (Translation: Madam, I’m going to let you off here, because there is a shade and the police. You will be safe, just wait for the next bus going to Dagupan. Happy trip, Madam!”)
As I alighted, he turned to the conductor who was watching TV gain and told him, “Ay animal, alam may bag da, tulungan mon unepas si Madam!” (Translation: Asshole, get her bag! Help her get off this bus!)
And he sped away like a little boy driving, swaying from end to end, with the police muttering, “Ni nagpardas met ti okinnana, natapokan ti rupakon!” (Translation: The sonofabitch, driving like hell, all the dust powdered my face!”)
He was off before the police had time to run after him.
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