Piss be with you

By Virginia J. Pasalo

 

I am pissed off with you, but I allowed the moment to pass. Then I remembered that this is not the only moment that I allowed to pass, but many moments that when engaged, could have resulted in a deeper, more genuine friendship. Friendships I realized, could not stand a chance under an attitude of disengagement and indifference, and can only be strengthened through a continuous effort to engage, even when the conversation transforms into a heated exchange of ”Piss!” with each other. I knew that I have failed in a serious way in making the arguments pass, there is no justification for it, except perhaps, for my own peace of mind. How can I be an inspiration to others if I inflict my own wounded being?

I cannot make excuses for my behavior. Certainly, I will not expect explanations for yours. Some behaviors are remnants of our experiences with each other, and some were molded by how we experience the world.

I have a confession to make. I am very much touched by your concern for my wellbeing. This is more than all your other efforts combined. Somehow, I felt the connection that I thought was missing, and a humanity that I thought was lost. Forgive me but I thought you were so self-absorbed and hedonistic to have the temperament to empathize with human suffering.

I have to thank you also for the many moments in the past that I was happy. I was happy when I heard you sing. Your voice reminds me of the bird that sings to me every morning, at dawn, when the sun slowly comes out of darkness.

This morning I heard a song whose title escapes me but it runs like this, “There are places I remember all my life though times have changed…” I listened to Bette Midler sing it in a movie where she performed before US troops in Korea. I listened to it until she finished the song and realized how beautiful the words were and how true. Immediately after she sang it, a bomb hit the camp, killed one of her co-performers and tragically killed her son, the very reason why she accepted the invitation to perform there. He died in her arms.

That song to me is immortal because it brings me back memories, and strangely, I do see you there all the time, or more correctly, I feel your presence as closely as my second skin. I know that a part of you never really left me.

What is important now is that we can accept each other for what we truly are. A lot of sadness comes from expectations and the illusion that we could change our nature, which is difficult to achieve, except for a few blessed people.

The sun is flooding the houses and the streets with warmth and I could see myself brisk walking at the UP Athletic Oval. I could feel the warmth pierce through the pores in my skin, allowing them to open. I could feel my sweat being kissed away by the gentle morning breeze. I could feel my heart pounding to the rhythms of my own feet. There is music among the trees inspired by the melody of your heartbeat. Here in my room, where I begin to greet the day, I could live many of these moments. I can choose to live a moment in the past and taste the future. However, there is nothing close to living the present.

Now is the only moment we can truly seize for ourselves. So the moment you bring out something that disturbs my peace, you will truly get a “Piss!”. I am not passing off again. And if I get a “Piss!” from you, then I know, our friendship is finally getting real.

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